Bette Not

Picture this: An historic Hollywood hills mansion. Beautiful landscaping and a view of the bustling mega-metropolis below. Or perhaps a swanky sprawling Manhattan penthouse with a view of the park and a concrete and stone balcony. Inside is a legend. Rich, classy, funny, talented, and loved all over the world for her performances on stage and screen. On the shelf are multiple awards. In her record player are original albums. In her cabinets are the finest wines and being prepared in her kitchen, by her personal chef, is a nutritious gourmet meal that she isn’t even sure she wants.

She isn’t just famous either. She is powerful. Men work for her. Many men. Most of them are gay and all are incredibly detail oriented. They do her hair and fix her nails and makeup. They get her whatever Starbucks chai tea iced soy wheatgrass nonsense shake she asks for. They all do it gladly… She’s a diva. She’s Bette F^&cking Midler.

Somewhere after a few too many afternoon cocktails, Bette decides it’s time to impart some of her wisdom on to the little people. She pulls out her golden iPhone with the rhinestone case and opens Twitter. Ha! She knows what to write!

“’Women, are the n-word of the world.’ Raped, beaten,  enslaved, married off, worked like dumb animals; denied education and inheritance; enduring the pain and danger of childbirth and life IN SILENCE for THOUSANDS of years They are the most disrespected creatures on earth.” –Bette Midler Twitter Page (Tweet quoted verbatim including grammatical and syntax errors).

Then she decides she is in the mood for supper and she sits at her giant table and waits to be served by her house man. She thinks, let’s open a good bottle tonight and instructs him to decant a 1998 Petrus.

I know, I know… I’m being a little bit of a jerk to ole’ Bette. In truth, I’m a fan. I think she’s funny and I bet if you can catch her when she’s not being such a diva, she’s probably fun to hang out with (maybe not, hell I don’t know). I am just saying that when you see a tweet like that without even the slightest since of irony or even self-realization that she, herself, is one of the most privileged and lucky human beings to have ever lived, just takes my breath away. How can someone be so insulated? And to say that while incredibly rich, famous, loved, and SURROUNDED BY MEN WHO WORK FOR HER??? Just… wow.

This is my big problem with the Hollywood left. See… they’re morons. Pretty much all of them. They are self-important idiotic fart sniffing bobbleheads who would be mopping up a Denny’s kitchen if they weren’t so damn pretty. They spend most of the day without an original thought in their stupid, beautiful heads.

Idiot That’s him, right?

Think about this. The only reason you know Ryan Gossling is that he’s been in movies. He had writers to tell him what to say. He had a director telling him where to stand and how to say it. He had a DP making sure the camera angle was right. He had a pile of lighting people and sound guys to make sure everything looked and sounded perfect on film. He had an editor take out the 521 times he didn’t know how to pronounce “arugula”. He’s a moron. It takes a literal legion of professionals to make him look like he’s not a moron… and at the end of all of it, he will put on his stupid million dollar tuxedo and pray like a cancer victim for a golden trophy to be bestowed upon him by another moron.

Then he’ll come out and say something like:

“Uhm… I, Uhm… I feel that landing on the moon was, like, more of a human achievement than an American one. Like the whole world” –Ryan Gossling (paraphrased).

This is what happens when you let these people just go talkin’ on their own without help. They deny the space race ever took place and ignore the legacy of JFK challenging us to get to the moon that decade and before the Soviets. Remember?

“We do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard” –JFK….

“hehe, he said hard” – Ryan Gossling (probably)

So here’s a question… Why on earth do smart people listen to these idiots? Is it because they pretended to be smart in a movie once? THEY DIDN’T EVEN GET TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY SAID!!! A SMART PERSON TOLD THEM WHAT TO SAY!!! My god man, can you think of an easier job than a movie actor? They don’t even memorize their lines. Let me repeat that… They don’t even memorize their lines. Most of them have little ear pieces now feeding them their lines. Then, in between takes they go back to their trailers for more cocaine and vegan jerky. It’s the damnedest thing you’ve ever heard of… Why do we care what they have to say? Look pretty and pretend to be the soldier now. That’s all we want from them. Their 6th grade, never read a book take on the intricacies of the historical battle they are pretending to fight in is just going to make my eye twitch.

Then comes politics! God love them. Their little heads so filled with hope and change and butterflies. They never met anyone who isn’t a Democrat. They have no idea what a Republican is… other than that they play them in movies sometimes. They are usually evil closet homosexuals passing anti-gay legislation… who, while not running guns to terrorists are secretly making their girlfriends have abortions during pro-life speeches shortly after molesting young boys… and being racist.

When a Republican wins something, they assume something must have gone terribly wrong! Enter sad celebrities sitting in front of a white background. They are my favorite unintentional comedies.


Can’t you see??? They care! They are smart! They know better than you! They are famous!

I wouldn’t care if that pantheon of self-righteous mouse brained tit wrinkles was lobbying for clean drinking water for adorable puppies in Sarah McLachlan commercials. I’d be still automatically against it. Every time I see one of those it makes me want to tell each and every one of those rich shit-for-brains to kiss every inch of my…. Oh, sorry, that got away from me for a minute. Deep breaths. Think of a happy place… Ok, I’m better now.

Then there’s George Clooney… and Oprah… AHHHHH! Screw it. I’m done.

Thanks for ruining entertainment, asshats.

Sic Semper Tyrannis

Editor’s note: Thanks to Matthew Marron for pointing out that I got my bobblehead Ryans mixed up… LOL

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