A Thank You To Insane Leftists

Dear insane leftists,

I wanted to take a moment today to thank each and every one of you for your hysterical, witch hunting, violent, scolding, frowning, insanity for the last couple of years. Not only has it been incredibly entertaining to watch you winge and whine… it has been incredibly useful as well.

Honestly, upon the election of Donald Trump in 2016, I was seriously concerned about conservative principles being ultimately defeated in this country. While many conservatives and libertarians like myself reveled in the humiliating defeat of that bitter corrupt old crone, Hillary Clinton, I was vocally concerned that Donald Trump’s lack of principles, his crassness, political inexperience, and dishonesty over the most mundane of details would lead to a 1,000 year Reich of leftist rule. I was worried that Obama’s prediction of anemic economic growth would be a permanent reality. I was worried that identity politics and the evil of intersectionality would forever ruin Dr. Martin Luther King’s dream that we would judge each other by the content of our character, not by the color of our skin.

Well thanks to you, that might not happen! Whatever happens in the mid-terms, there is a strong and healthy conservative and libertarian faction in this country… maybe stronger and younger and more energized than ever… and we have you to thank for it.

If only you were smart enough to take a reasoned approach to Donald Trump… If only you were cunning enough to calmly explain his flaws and put forth better ideas… You could have easily defeated him by now. The “blue wave” would have been a tsunami securing you massive majorities in the House and Senate. You could have sidelined him now and sent him packing in 2020. But thanks to you, the most optimistic of Democratic pollsters are calling for a narrow victory in the House and the loss of at least a couple of seats in the Senate. A blue drip… and you might not even get that. As for 2020… The best you can throw is a crazy old coot who wants everyone to be poor, Spartacus, Fauxcahontas, the commie Senator from California, and the mean old lady who lost last time… only 4 years older and even more pissed off. Wow. Just… Wow.

So that you don’t think I’m being vague, I wanted to give you a couple of specific examples of why I’m so thankful.

  • Thank you for openly weeping on national television upon the election of Donald Trump and calling his supporters idiots and racists, showing the press to be the partisan hacks they have always been.
  • Thank you for being humorless scolds who are hell bent on nagging people away from everything they like and enjoy. Want a straw in that drink? Too bad, you can’t have one! Want an attractive car with a little power? Screw you! You have a small dick! Want a soda? No sugar! You like that TV show? CANCELLED! Want do go shoot some sporting clays? What are you a gun nut? Want to play golf? A waste of useful land for rich white people to walk around a hit a stupid ball! Want a steak? Murderer!… ad nauseum. I can’t imagine why you aren’t sweeping elections across the country!
  • Thank you for your hysterical seizures about Halloween. I remember when it was popular for politicians to kiss a child on the campaign trail, now apparently the right thing to do is scream at her and call her a racist because she dressed up as the wrong Disney princess. A bold move, lets see if it works, ROFLMFAO!
  • Thank you for rioting and burning property pretty steadily for the last 4 years, showing yourselves to be the violent children throwing temper tantrums that you have been throughout history.
  • Thank you for calling Trump “literally Hitler” at every turn and claiming to be “afraid” at the horror that is to come, showing yourselves to be completely detached from reality.
  • Thank you for claiming that a solid corporate and middle class tax cut that brought untold billions of dollars back in the US for investment and put significant money back in pockets of hard working Americans is nothing more than pandering to the rich and was “literally going to kill people”, showing that you couldn’t care less about working Americans and are only interested in representing people who contribute nothing.
  • Thank you for completely ignoring the defeat of ISIS in the Middle East… showing that you don’t care a whip about radical Islam or the threat it is to America and American interest and showing you care far more about your intersectional, skin deep, bigotry and claiming your political opponents are racists than defeating an evil, violent, sexist, homophobic, hateful, primitive, terror on humanity.
  • Thank you for retiring Jon Stewart, the hilarious and sharp witted leftist satirist who made leftists look reasonable and conservatives look like old fuddy-duddies with no sense of humor. You guys must really be missing him about now.
  • Thank you for Don Lemon, Jim Acosta, The View, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Samantha Bee, Jimmy Kimmel, et al… showing that the left completely lost their sense of humor and ability to look at themselves and the world critically and humorously. Each and every one of them is a nightly anti-left campaign ad. God bless them.
  • Thank you for claiming that net neutrality was going to literally kill both the internet and you… showing that you have no understanding of proportionality or that every little piece of deregulation won’t lead to Mad Max.
  • Thank you for claiming that the US leaving the Paris Accord was going to lead to all of us dying in a giant fireball surrounded by rising sea levels of poisonous water… showing that you have no belief or faith in the American people to understand that a deal that puts restrictions on the US (a country who pollutes less than virtually all countries on earth outside of Western Europe, which doesn’t manufacture anything) that will kill our economy while allowing China and India to continue polluting into eternity was never something that we were ever going to live up to and was an idiotic pandering lie to the environmental lobby from the beginning.
  • Thank you for continuing the global warming hysteria in the face of all evidence. Showing that you are unwilling to back down even when you claimed hurricanes would get worse and more frequent, they haven’t… and that sea levels would rise, they haven’t…. and that the rain forest would be gone, it isn’t… and that we would run out of natural resources, we haven’t… and that the world would become a giant dessert wasteland, it isn’t. HEY! IT’S CALLED CLIMATE CHANGE NOW! (I know, I still don’t care)
  • Thank you for vegans and PETA. I love them. They are some of my favorites.
  • Thank you for radical feminists who are apparently main stream now… showing that the New York Times is willing to run articles about how women should hate men and that men are all victimizers. I am still trying to figure out why they thought that would help them…
  • Thank you for the Russia investigation! Oh what a joy that one has been. According to your narrative on that one, Donald Trump (who is a complete buffoon and everyone was sure was going to lose the election) colluded with Russia (why Russia? We don’t know) to steal an election from Hillary (a pro-Russian politician her entire life) (who also receives MILLIONS OF DOLLARS from Russia) by putting ads on Facebook. This hysteria has been nothing more than a Trump Derangement Syndrome induced fever dream. The idea that it was going to cost Trump the White House is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s pure insanity and I can’t thank you enough for it.
  • Thank you for Keith Olbermann. Every single one of his videos for GQ is pure comedy gold. Whenever I feel down, I enjoy watching him desperately scream into a camera from an empty basement wearing one his old MSNBC suits. Truly, when I feel depressed, I watch that and I feel better.
  • Thank you for Triggly Puff, Big Red, the “White Male” guy, and countless other memes. They are just the best. What a laugh I get out of watching morons beat their heads against a brick wall and call themselves heroes for it.
  • Thank you for Fredricka Wilson… and if you don’t know why, just look into it a bit. I can’t imagine why that story died…
  • Thank you for Beto O’Rourke…. The new star of the Democratic Party. I couldn’t have chosen a better person myself than someone who is going to lose his election by 15 points… and is a complete tool and an idiot. (46 year old politicians really shouldn’t pander with skateboards, Beto… and get a haircut, you look like an idiot)
  • Thank you for Elizabeth Warren. Wow, Chief Screeching Squaw herself. Trans-racial like that Dolezal woman… and held on to that obvious lie so long that actual Indian Tribes told her to stop. DNA test in hand… so sure the press would cover her, she showed herself to be 1/1024th Peruvian (maybe), making her one of the whitest people on earth since Hillary Clinton donned her Ugg’s, wrapped herself in an argyle scarf and one nostril breathed through a Bjork song during a Polo match while drinking Chardonnay. If I had written Chief Fauxcahantas’ story as a piece of fiction, it would have been roundly rejected as too far fetched. I love her.
  • Thank you for Antifa and BLM and other activist groups who openly reject free speech and call for violence based on the color of a person’s skin or their gender… proving that any connection the left had to classical liberalism was lost long ago and that you are much closer to European leftists, Stalinists, and mid-century Communists than reasonable Democrats who care about our country.
  • Thank you for the deranged leftist activists accosting GOP lawmakers in restaurants and walking down the street. The high pitched insane screaming of overgrown children assaulting Senators is just what we needed to convince moderates that the left is not for them.
  • Thank you for the “caravan” (read invading horde) of illegal aliens marching toward our southern border actively showing that everything Trump ever said about illegal immigration is 100% correct. After watching this, I’m almost in support of the damn wall.
  • Thank you SO MUCH for the whole Brett Kavanaugh thing… wow… just when normal people had had enough of Trump and might look for a change, in you rode with that insane lying damaged woman in tow. Just in the nick of time… and accused a good man of… what was it again? Anyway… more than anything else, if you lose in the midterms, it’s because of that. If you doubt me, ask a man… virtually any man.

Gosh, I could just go on for days… and honestly, each of those bullet points could be a chapter in a book. You have given so much these past 2 years. Any idiot could have sidelined Trump… well, any idiot but you guys. And that leads me to my final thank you. It’s so important but often overlooked. Thank you so much for Hillary Clinton. She is everything we ever wanted and ever needed. She is hated by the Democratic Party, she’s hated by the GOP, the military hates her, women hate her, the hard left hates her, men hate her, conservatives hate her… just everyone hates her…. Yet she won’t go away. Every time you think she’s gone, she puts on another mumu or cloak or whatever ridiculous old lady outfit she found that day, shoots herself up with cortisone and amphetamines and heads out to complain some more about her husband’s rape victims or the press (who covered up her crimes for like 4 decades) or Republicans or Trump or Bernie bro’s or whatever. Nobody has the right to ask for an opponent so incompetent, yet not only did you give her to us… you continue to let us use her in perpetuity. There are no words that could express my gratitude for her. God bless her… may she live a million years.

There are so many other things I have forgotten to thank you for… and while I know that the blue wave might still come (although I don’t see how)… whatever happens this November, you have done so much for me… You could have won, but you decided to embrace hatefulness, anger, pettiness, racism, sexism, closed mindedness, and pseudo-science and accuse your opponents of exactly your sins. In a different era it would have worked… but there’s just too much information out there.

In all sincerity, I’m almost a little mad at you. I would have loved to have opposed Donald Trump. He is so terrible. He says all the wrong things. He is insensitive and unprincipled. He’s crass and uncultured… but the more I watch you, the more I see America in him. And I love America. And I’m not apologetic about America. I do think we are special. I think we are a force for good in the world. I like what we’ve always been and I like who the VAST majority of us are now… and if that big, orange, crass, unapologetic, insensitive, oaf is the only thing I have to fight against a common enemy… then by his side is where I’ll make my stand. After all, I’d rather deal with him than a scowling feminist who won’t let me eat a steak, drink from a straw, or sit comfortably on a train any day. You made me choose… now don’t bitch to me when you don’t like where I landed. Get better or get gone. I’m voting a straight red ticket this year… I’m not alone… let’s see who joins me.

Sic Semper Tyrannis

6 thoughts on “A Thank You To Insane Leftists

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