Jake Interviews Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez


So I sat down with a Millennial socialist and congressional candidate from Brooklyn, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez yesterday and interviewed her about all things topical. We discussed Trump, #metoo, taxes, the economy, the mid-terms and several other topics. Here are some excerpts from our conversation.

J: Hi Alexandra, thanks for coming in. Did I mess up on the time? I thought we were meeting at 9:00?

O-C: Uhm… like I had a hard time, like finding the office and my therapy dog “Bernie Sanders” doesn’t like to go into elevators. Why is your office upstairs? It should be, like, on the ground floor so that “Bernie Sanders” doesn’t get triggered. Can I have a latte?

J: No. I did bring you a trophy for participating in the interview and there is a safe space room down the hall in case my white maleness gets too much for you.

O-C: That’s offensive.

J: I know. I think you’ll find a lot of that here.

O-C: Whatevs. I took an extra Xanax before I left my 200 square foot apartment that my dad pays for.

J: Do you find that you often walk around in a drug induced haze? Please don’t smoke that in here… I know it’s a vape, but I’m trying to interview you and watching you get more and more baked on hash oil isn’t helpful for my project.

(At this point Ocasio-Cortez cried for 7 minutes and claimed I raped her with my rules)

J: You feeling better? Can we start now?

O-C: Like, I think so… but try to check your privilege.

J: No. Okay… so Trump. He seems to be pretty unpopular with your generation…

(At this point Ocasio-Cortez stuck her fingers in here ears and started rocking back and forth mumbling incoherently)

J: What are you doing now?

O-C: I’m like plugging my ears! I can’t hear the “T” word. It triggers me. I don’t know why you think you can just say that word whenever you want without warning people! Racist!

J: What word? The name of the President of the United States?

O-C: Uhm… That word is fine. I love Obama. Just not the KKK Nazi who all the white middle country people put in charge. He is literally Hitler. He wants to kill POC’s and did you hear about how he’s separating children at the border? I’m really not feeling safe now. I’m literally scared. Like, he’s going to round us up. He’s destroying everything. Did you know that the Russians…

J: Miss Ocasio Cortez, let’s try to focus here. Have an Adderall. I think your titration is off.

O-C: Where’s my latte? And it’s MIZZZZ.

J: Trump has your latte.

O-C: Ugh, offensive! So… like what did you want to know?

J: Let’s talk tax policy. You tell people you are middle class. Weren’t you pleased that you got a little more money on your check?

O-C: The tax cuts only help rich white people. It is literally taking money away for poor POC’s and putting it into the pockets of billionaires.

J: It put more money in your pocket.

O-C: No it didn’t. I don’t have a job. I can’t find one because of my disability and because “Bernie Sanders” can’t be left alone for more than an hour, I have to bring him to work with me. And nobody is hiring for my degree.

J: So… a couple questions. 1) What disability? You look perfectly healthy to me… if a little mal nourished. Maybe get off that gluten free raw vegan nonsense. 2) You can’t work because the dog wants company? 3) What’s your degree? And please don’t tell me it’s gender studies.

O-C: Ugh, you are so offensive. I have anxiety and I’m bi-polar. Like you know, sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m sad. And, like, “Bernie Sanders” has several emotional problems that my former employer should have been mandated to care about. I don’t want to work for someone who doesn’t care about animals. People like that are literally Hitler.

J: By former employer, do you mean the coffee shop that the minimum wage hike just ran out of business?

O-C: Yes, that’s them. Sweet people.

J: And your degree?

O-C: Medieval African dance with a minor in 11th century Asian feminism.

J: Yeah, I can’t imagine why those 11th century feminist companies aren’t snatching you right up. How much debt do you have?

O-C: Well, I like can’t drive, so no car debt. Then on credit cards… I don’t know. My dad pays those. School… Like $87,000.

J: Jumping Jesus Harold Christ in a picnic basket!!! You owe $87,000 for dance lessons and dead Chinese angry women?!?! Why would you do that? Aren’t you running for congress? You shouldn’t be put in charge of anything, much less the federal budget!

O-C: Uhm… it’s called following your passion.

J: I’m starting to get a little triggered myself. Can I have one of those Xanax’s?

(She then adjusts one of her many many scarves)

J: Let’s switch gears here. Let’s talk about #metoo.

O-C: Like, men are terrible. They need to sit down and shut up and listen to women. Their time to talk is over. They have nothing to add here. This is a woman’s world now. This continual victimization of women is OVER. Do you know that for every 3 women on the planet 17 of them have been raped? White men rape everything. They are….

(at this point she trailed off into a series of clicks and pops and she seemed to fall into some kind odd seizure then just started screaming “patriarchy” for like 3 minutes)

(I went to the bathroom. When I got back she seemed okay. She was baby talking to “Bernie Sanders”)

J: What was that?

O-C: What?

J: That epileptic fit you just went into when I asked about #metoo.

(low guttural noise)

J: Okay Okay, never mind… Changing gears. Immigration?

O-C: Did you know Trump eats immigrant children for breakfast? I’m not feeling very safe. I think I need to go talk to my therapist. You’re what wrong with America!!!

J: Think you can get “Bernie Sanders” into the elevator?

O-C: That’s not funny! Millennial therapy animal disabilities are NOT jokes.

So, at this point she wrapped “Bernie Sanders” back up in his baby bjorn and started to gather her several bags. She was continually ranting about white men, Fox News, Russia, Trump, and something called cis privilege. Honestly I was curious but was afraid to ask. The interview was a complete and total waste of time. I did learn one thing though… These people can’t be put in charge of anything.

Don’t let these idiots run the country. Get out and vote a straight republican ticket tomorrow!!!

Sic Semper Tyrannis

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