Friday Rundown!

Fine

I figured I’d do a little post election Friday rundown. Enjoy!

The blue wave that has been the talk of everyone in the press for 2 years until 3 weeks ago didn’t materialize. The Democrats managed to get a small victory in the house but lost seats in the Senate. When asked about this, they laughed and said “We don’t have to accept the results of elections. We have people finding ballots in cars, double counting, simply not conceding, and accusing the GOP of election fraud as we speak!”. When asked about Democratic efforts to reverse election results in Arizona, Georgia, and Florida, President Trump turned to the left 3 times, said something in Aramaic and the ghost of Roy Cohn was released from Hell. Fire flew from his fingertips as he dusted off his suit… “Who do they think they’re dealing with?”. Republicans everywhere remembered why they voted for Trump. The question isn’t whether Democrats get away with this… they won’t. The question is whether they call for another independent council to investigate it. Is there anything more annoying than a sore loser?

Horrible racist Tucker Carlson is evil because he’s white, apparently. As we know, white people are responsible for all terrorism in the country which is why Smash Racism DC lit their torches, grabbed their pitchforks and headed off to Carlson’s house to try and kick his door in. Because Tucker Carlson is also a horrible sexist and doesn’t believe in treating women well, Smash Racism DC also scared his wife so badly that she locked herself in a closet and cried until her brother in law and the police arrived to disperse the lynch mob. Democrats say this action proves once and for all that the left cares about civility, women, and the rule of law. When asked about it, a neckbeard from Vox wiped Cheeto dust off his hands and said “girls don’t like me because they are intimidated by my intelligence. Also Tucker had it coming.” Just as a thought experiment, let’s try to figure out what the press coverage would look like if a right wing mob showed up at Don Lemon’s place and scared his 15 year old Guatemalan house boy, Javier.

Sen. Bob Menendez (D NJ) was just re-elected. He went on trial last year for RAPING CHILDREN. But Kavanaugh.

Rep Keith Ellison (D MN) was just re-elected. He just announced he wont be the #2 guy at the DNC anymore. Don’t bring it up though… I heard he has a bit of a volatile temper.

Don Lemon was overcome with joy last week when he heard that Whitey has been killed. Unfortunately his happy mood was short lived when it was explained to him that the headline he read was referring to an old Irish snitch and not all white people.

“Beto” O’Rourke has officially been friend-zoned by the people of TX. When asked why he wasn’t elected, one female voter explained “I like ‘Beta’. He’s sweet and he says all the right things… but his complete lack of discernible masculine traits and his obvious odor of desperation is about as appealing as Comic Con. I just kept waiting for him to put on a fedora and call me ‘m’lady’”.

“Beto” has also secured his place in the future of the Democratic Party. When asked about him, Democratic leadership said, “He’s a weak soy boy who panders to idiots by promising them free stuff while doing an ollie on a skateboard. Add that to the fact that he can’t win an election and I think we should just skip the primaries and nominate him for 2020 now!” When asked about his family company kicking Latino families out of their homes and the fact that he has a criminal history, Democratic leadership was quoted as saying “He doesn’t have to like coloreds or follow the law, moron… We are Democrats.”

Jim Acosta has been banned from the White House, at least temporarily. When asked about it, he said that the very concept of free speech is at risk when a reporter is not allowed to hijack a press conference and shout conspiracy theories at the President of the United States indefinitely. He also stated that rude boorish behavior should not be tolerated. Then he picked his nose, swatted at a female intern, and stood outside the White House with a bull horn demanding The President explain why he is a racist, stupid, corrupt, Russian spy, with a small penis who attacks women, hates children and tied his own wife to railroad tracks. CNN is supporting him because if it weren’t for his insane behavior they’d be left with Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper discussing whether to invite Andy Cohen to Rio this year.

There’s a bunch of other stuff happening out there but these are my favorites. Happy Friday everyone!

Sic Semper Tyrannis

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